He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
