After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
