I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
