I accidentally had phone sex last night
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Two words: blizzard sex
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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