OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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