we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
