He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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