Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
