So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
