He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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