That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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