is your mom at the bar?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
