My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
