you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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