The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
