alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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