You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize