I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She bit a glass in half.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
