Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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