I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
