Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize