The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
