I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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