Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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