i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
