gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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