I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
