Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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