I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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