i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Blood and glitter go together right?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
