I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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