Quick, to the slutcave!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Come share oat with me in your robe
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
