Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Someone came in the potted fern
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
