You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I had to cum in my sink.
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