come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
