Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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