alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
