she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
