I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
