I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
