What did we do last night that was yellow?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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