So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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