I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
