He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
did i just pee glitter
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
