I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
