Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
