tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I need to stop coming to work sober
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
