she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize