Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
