he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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