If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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