she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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