he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
