And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
