Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
