a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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