I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
