I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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