remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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