and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
