Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
